Running on Empty

Apologies for the even-longer-than-usual absence. I've been quite busy burying myself in a haze of Netflix- fueled denial working on the job search, and it seems it has finally paid off.  I start an Americorps position as a program coordinator next Wednesday, and while the living stipend is quite minimal, I'm pretty psyched about the opportunity. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, building on my nonprofit skill set, and just generally having someplace important to be every day.

And honestly, this came through just in time. It recently occurred to me (see: Netflix-fueled denial) that I'm just about out of just about everything.  Actual money. Fake money, in the form of open credit.  Gas in my car. Energy. As it happens, at this very moment I'm even about to run out of battery on my cell phone.

This isn't me complaining, though (Lord knows I've done enough of that lately to anyone unfortunate enough to cross my path in real life).  It's just an acknowledgement that this summer I've experienced something totally new to me- real money trouble.  It's not that I've never been broke before- as a nonprofit volunteer and an Anthropologist, I've pretty much made a living out of barely making a living.  But until recently, I've never had to scrounge for quarters to buy milk or opt out of traveling because I couldn't afford to put gas in my tank. And I've certainly never spent quite so much time on the phone with creditors. It's not that I see this privileged suburban version of poverty as some sort of epic catastrophe, because I know with everything in me that it's not.  I sleep in a comfortable bed in a roomy house with cupboards that are unquestionably full enough to sustain me until this bump in the road passes. The point of me bringing this up is that my current situation has given me a new appreciation for personal responsibility and the marks that we leave on each other and on our communities. I didn't think that I was overly entrenched in consumer culture, but I can clearly see now that I am. And it feels like a huge waste. I've always relied on credit as though it's a free, limitless resource to which I'm entitled, because I've never come so frighteningly close to maxing out before. So when I have money again, I'm going to pay attention to every penny.  I won't buy high-end junk food from Whole Foods or take vacations that I can't afford, because in the end when the money runs out someone else will inevitably end up burdened in some way (whether directly or indirectly) by my carelessness. Now that I've seen that, it's a really big deal to me that I never let it happen again.