Thinking this morning about how easily (comparatively, anyway) I am able to feel free to live my life when I am away from home. I saw a souvenir from Sky City out of the corner of my eye (the $5 wildlife travel mug that I used for my cardamom coffee every morning but was useless for actual travel because it didn't fit into any cup holders) and the disconnect between that girl and my current self was almost palpable.  It knocked the wind out of me for a second. At first I brushed it off as simple nostalgia- the way that everything is always more perfectly itself in the retelling-but then I realized that it's really the weight of my history that keeps me up at night worrying and playing what-if.  It's the ghosts of everyone I've loved who is not here anymore, and the immediate reminder that the ones who are left won't be here forever.  I won't be here forever. It's the way that standing in the kitchen I've known for 25 years makes me remember all of the things I thought I was going to do, but didn't.

I had always assumed that leaving home and starting my "real" life in a new place would make me stronger, would prove my courage.  I'm starting to understand now that staying home will be much harder.

Today is one of those days when my thoughts are flying around too quickly and chaotically for me to do anything constructive with them.  It's not the most pleasant feeling, because I am constantly aware of a sense of "wasting" time or ideas, but I am starting to realize that it's not something I am likely to ever get away from completely, nor is it something I can overcome through sheer force of will.  My natural inclination when it happens is to get into an argument with my mind, insisting that it slow down and make itself useful, but that usually just ends in a very unproductive internal shouting match.

So I guess for now I am just going to sit with this and remind myself that the time will come for whatever is stewing around in my brain.  Eventually, the individual strands will make themselves known and I will begin to be able to build them into something concrete and workable.  Good thing I am so good at being patient. 

Hey, remember me?  It's only been about three months since I last promised to start updating on a regular basis.

I've been running around like a nut pretty consistently since the last post- or, at least, it's felt that way.  The second half of the semester was pretty rough and I have to admit that, as had been the trend up til then, I didn't cope with it as well as I could have.  It all worked out, though.  I finished the semester with a 4.0 and I am reasonably certain that my advisor still thinks I am a worthwhile human being.

Right now I'm home in Jersey finishing out an internship with the Morris County Office of Health Management.  It's not exactly what I'd had in mind going into this whole internship deal, but then I really couldn't tell you what I *did* have in mind.  Regardless, I have learned quite a lot and I'm sure my experience here will color my decision making in terms of career prospects from here on out.

I'll be heading back to Bing August 22nd to meet the incoming crew at orientation.  I'm actually really looking forward to seeing everyone again and being back in my apartment. The pressure should let up significantly this year now that I won't be working as a graduate assistant. I'm looking forward to focusing on my studies and on professional development, and having the mental and physical energy left over to take care of myself.

Hope everyone's summer is going well.  Let me know what's new in the comments.