Spent some of last night and most of today so far in front of the computer.  I'm about on track for the goals I set for the weekend.  Now all I've got to do is keep the momentum going. I've one assignment (due tomorrow) a little less than half done, another (due next week) almost completely done and a third that I spent a good hour on, though it hasn't even gotten out of the gate yet.  Clearly I need to rethink my strategy on that one.  Also refined my list of places to look for internships, but I wanna give that another hour or two this weekend as well.


Not that you needed to know all that.  I just needed to type it.  You know how it is. Keeping my tenuous grasp on reality and all that jazz.

In other "news", I'm still dreadful at identifying bony landmarks.  And also at keeping my sink clear of scuzzy dishes. But today, unlike last week (sorry about that again, btw), I am ok with that.

Mom and Mar and the whole gang at home are doing ok...power in and out, no gas and so on just like everyone else but no major catastrophes that I know of.  Hope you all are hangin' in there as well.

Whining...feel free to ignore

I'm exhausted.  It's not even two in the afternoon, and I could absolutely fall asleep right here at my desk if I let myself.  The ridiculous part, though, is how much stuff I'm not managing to get done despite the fact that I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying really hard to be a useful member of society.  I have a midterm do in just over 24 hours that's maybe halfway done, there's an Osteology quiz on Monday that could easily mop the floor with me, and when I look at my inbox and the pile of papers on my desk I kinda wanna cry. .

Help.

Is this how it's supposed to be?  Going and going and getting nowhere?  I need to figure out what I can do to mitigate this hamster-wheel situation.  I don't know what's me and what's grad school life. I just know that I'm friggin' tired.

Cleaned the apartment for the first time since I moved in.  It feels quite nice to live like a human being. Coffee's on the stove and I'm about to settle in for a bit with Randi's copy of Guns, Germs and Steel, which it actually assigned reading for my Molecular Anthro Class.  Yet another reminder that I belong here.  ;)

After that, I'm heading to a great little mystical shop to see about spending part of the generous gift certificate Mark and Claire gave me when I moved, then to drop off some books to the Salvation Army.  I've decided to give books away as soon as I finish reading them, so that maybe someday I won't be moving around the country with two suitcases of clothes and a cabin stacked with books.  I hear you can get a lot of info off the interwebs nowadays anyway.


Happy Saturday, lovely readers (Allegedly, there are TWO of you now!!).  Enjoy your weekend.  It's a new season- let's make it awesome.

I can't even believe how much stuff I let happen since the last post without writing it down.  At first I was too frazzled- I literally had to check my planner to make sure I knew what day it was. Then I was grumpy because my original local living arrangement imploded in a rather impressive way, which still might or might not end in some sort of legal whatnot. I don't wanna talk about it 'cause it still stresses me out. Now I'm just regular old busy, for the most part.

The important thing is that I'm still here. I'm in a really nice little apartment now, keeping up (mostly) on my assignments and slowly-but-surely getting over my fear that I'm going to be fired from my GA-ship ANY MINUTE NOW. I don't always feel completely on top of everything, but I'm keeping my shit together way better than I might have a few years ago.

More thoughts on Evo Psych

Ok, lots of stuff.  This one's not ready for the public, but I'm putting it out there anyway.  Thoughts and comments would be very much appreciated here.  I'm thinking about how EP is FUNDAMENTALLY not the same as other evolutionary sciences.  We are not talking about discrete variable or even things that can be tracked on a simple linear continuum (pigmentation or whatever).  Personality and behavior are SO intrinsically multifaceted that it's hard enough just to pin down what you are even looking at.  Should a discipline be penalized for trying to study something that is simply really, really hard to fully grasp?  Everything I said last time still stands- I'm not saying there's not a long way to go and that proponents of EP don't need to step up their game, maybe, but the field is really just starting out. Statistically significant results are usually worth looking at in a larger context.  They might not always (or even often...who knows) meant precisely what EP authors suggest that that mean, but I think it's worth finding out 1. What they DO really and truly suggest from a scientific standpoint and 2. what we can do to further contextualize those findings and build something more convincing from them.

Taking a Step Back from Evolutionary Psychology

I keep wanting to read when I know I should be writing. I think it's because something I'm poking at in my brain that's going to take effort and honesty and might make me look stupid to some, so I'm trying to avoid it. This morning I came to a conclusion that I have been fighting for a long time- I am not 100% on board with Evolutionary Psychology.  (I know...this is huge...try to contain your shock, everyone.) The other day I read this over at Denim and Tweed and although my first response was one of of righteous indignation (something at which I naturally excel), I've been nagged ever since by the supremely annoying thought that he might be right. More importantly, he might be right in a way that matters to the framework I'm trying to build for myself within science. So I'm thinking I have to restructure my beliefs a bit, and that is something at which I'm not very good at all.

Here's where I was-  Evolutionary Psychology is groundbreaking and wonderful! It explains everything and people who don't see it are afraid of the truth underlying human nature. Idiots.  I want to marry Evolutionary Psychology!

Now before you start thinking that I felt this way because I'm naive or willfully ignorant and content to skate by with a superficial understanding of both evolution and the scientific method, I feel the need to tell you that... that is only a little bit true.  My attachment to Evo Psych comes from a number of sources, not the least of which is the fact that it was the topic that finally drove me headlong into a love affair with Anthropology and human evolution. I will always value it, also, for the unapologetic way that it allows for such a range of interdisciplinary lines of inquiry.  I will never fall head over heels for a field that is hell bent on setting knowledge-limiting boundaries for the sake of clarity.  It strikes me as a cop-out. It also strikes me as no fun at all.  But here's where I am now-  I'm coming to realize now that while it's true that science can and should be about pushing the limits of what we can learn, that should never come at the expense of responsible, well-executed, high quality research. And it is undeniable that a lot of Evolutionary Psychology studies fall short in this area.

I would love to find evidence that my weakness for musicians comes from the  impressive reproductive fitness signals "hidden" in their songs, or explain away my myriad neuroses by their formerly adaptive qualities*, but if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that I'm not sold.  Any claim of the evolutionary heritage of a given trait should be backed up by some kind of genetic data- or at the very least, people should be LOOKING for some kind of genetic data.  Otherwise it's really just a lot of speculation.  Visionary speculation.  Intriguing and convincing speculation, but still speculation.  That's not to say that we should stop looking at these things, just that we need to look for actual empirical evidence rather than making leaps and assumptions all over the place to fill in the blanks, however logical those leaps might seem.

It is precisely because I respect the discipline of Evolutionary Psychology that I want its practitioners to try harder to play on the same field as the other biological sciences. When someone comes along with some snarky commentary like Jeremy did (and countless others have), I want to be able to hang on to my righteous indignation without feeling like a fraud.


*Quick and dirty examples. I'm sorry.  I don't have original articles with me here at work, and I'm probably screwing up something somewhere in there...regardless, my point remains the same.

Understanding Evangelicals?

*Though this is not something I would typically post in a (theoretically) public forum, this article really struck a chord with me.  And I'm learning that part of being an anthropologist is really taking the time to tease out what's going on at the heart of important issues like this.  I hope that this dialogue gets somewhere, because constant miscommunication and unquestioned prejudice is at the root of so many conflicts like this one*


Do As I Do, Not As I Say?

I want to buy this theory. It's nice and neat and actually very much in line with the thinking behind my liberal ideals, though of course I can't speak for anyone else (though apparently, some people can!)  When push comes to shove, thpugh, I feel like if this were the dynamic underlying the behavior of most Evangelicals we wouldn't be in the middle of the us-vs-them shitstorm we're obviously battling. I can't wrap my brain around the theory that people can be working as hard as the author describes to be better, kinder, more godly...and yet repeatedly work against measures that seek to help those who are not in a position to help themselves. Please, if you are in a position to help me understand this, do so!  When I read this blog, I couldn't help but hear the sentiment that secular liberals are looking to take the easy way out, while Evangelical Christians are working their asses off to do what's right.  And maybe I'm just grumpy because I *am* one of those secular liberals and I'm feeling defensive and like I am being underestimated, but if it's not just me and we ARE looked upon that way for a reason,  maybe something needs to be done to change that. I KNOW that when I choose to do my part to help those around me, I am not choosing the easy way out.  I am not choosing complacency. I am choosing compassion and forethought and a commitment to work toward a greater good...which is EXACTLY what this author is suggesting that Evangelicals are doing, no?

In any case, if there's even a chance for this perspective to get more of us across the divide and working together, I want in on that.  Let's have this conversation.

Unpacking Biocultural Anthropology

This is why I love Anthropology.  It's not something specific to see-it's a WAY of seeing- so it gets to encompass SO MUCH. So much information.  So many methodologies.  So many perspectives.  When I am reminded of what Anthropology can be, I'm surprised that I ever even considered diving into anything else. Here are some eloquent and worthwhile musings on Biocultural Anth from some of the main voices helping to bring anthropological understanding to a wider audience.  I'm grateful to have them to guide me.

Kate Clancy- I Can Out-Interdiscipline You
 http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/context-and-variation/2012/05/01/biocultural-approach/

Daniel Lende's Response @ Neuroanthropology
http://blogs.plos.org/neuroanthropology/2012/05/03/on-biocultural-anthropology/

So much of this resounds with me, but it's too much to articulate right now.  Frankly I'm a little bit completely and utterly intimidated by the ease with which these folks are conversing about such a complex topic. I haven't really sat down to figure out what "biocultural" means to me except that I know that it truly RESPECTS both perspectives equally (something that happens much less frequently than I'd like). I guess in that way I think of it as more of a philosophical standpoint (and, honestly, almost an ethical obligation from where I sit, though that might be just a touch melodramatic) than a particular way of doing science.  I know that's nowhere near enough yet, but I need loads more time time to dig deeper.

 Coming to the debate from outside of Anthro, I don't associate myself with either side in particular.  I like the IDEA of being a biological anthropologist, because I'm intrinsically more comfortable with things that are decisive and easily analyzed, but at the same time I know that there's a hell of a lot going on in my thought process that has nothing to do with pure, hard science. The degree to which any of this matters to me professionally remains to be seen, as the MS program requires coursework that is very clearly defined within one discipline or another for the most part...or at least touches on both in a way that is readily deciphered.  Regardless, though, I WANT to be thinking about this, talking about this, figuring out where I fit into this, even at this early stage in my career.

A two-cup-of-coffee morning

So for most of the past year I've been doing this super lame thing where I switch to decaf after my first cup of coffee in the morning, to avoid agita* and jitteriness and a whole slew of other fun symptoms that have managed to creep up on me lately.  The unfortunate downside to this (besides the fact that decaffeinated coffee is just fundamentally very, very disappointing) is that my creative energy  has kind of nosedived.*  Whatever.  It's a trade off and I suppose right now it's more important to be just getting through the day to day stuff. The thing is, though, that I spent the weekend with people who are all about putting themselves out there in exactly the way I haven't been.  Plus I just watched a rather inspiring video (The Mindful Music Therapist: Sharing an excellent TED Talk with you) that's gotten up under my breastbone and all this together is seriously making me antsy to mess around in the abyss. And a strange quirk of my personality is that I can't really go exploring without a cup of coffee in my hand. So anyway, the point is that I've gone through two cups so far and I'm being reckless and going for a third, then I'm gonna go live me some questions.

* I am seriously disappointed in Blogger for not recognizing the word agita.
**I read somewhere a long time ago that a blocked or sluggish solar plexus chakra is correlated with  blocked creativity, low self-confidence, and a craving for stimulants. I don't much by into such metaphysics these days, but I do find the connection interesting to ponder...

Thoughts?  What does your creative process look like? When it's not working, what's gone wrong?

I found an apartment!

So yesterday Mom, Randi, Rita and I packed into Supertramp (My car.  I'm sorry.) and headed up to Binghamton to find me a place to live.  We got on the road about 45 minutes late but as it turns out there was some miscommunication regarding my first meeting and we ended up with an hour to kill anyway. We had lunch at a little dive bar...reasonable tasty food and friendly staff (all two of them) though I can't shake the feeling that the cook was a bit put out at having to get us our lunch.  I got the impression that noon on a Saturday is not a busy time for them.  Regardless, it was a perfectly reasonable meal and was cheap enough for me to treat without getting buyer's remorse.

The first two places we looked at were owned by the same guy, so his property manager just went to both of them with me and we were onto the next place after about a half hour.  After that I looked at a place that in a previous incarnation had been a hotel- it sounded really cool on paper, but it ended up kinda giving me the heebie-jeebies.  I liked some aspects of it- there were TONS of book/knickknack shelves along all the walls and there was a really cute little dining nook that was kinda hidden behind a wall. The major downside was the poor lighting (I was there at 2pm and it might as well have been midnight) and the odd boarding house feel- residents inhabit the same space, but I don't get the impression that they live as a cohesive unit at all.  I'm not expecting to sing kumbaya around the kitchen table or anything, but I do want to feel secure in the knowledge that my roommates are not harboring fugitives or keeping dead bodies under their beds without my knowledge.  It sucks, though, because the landlady was really nice and in some was I think that place would've been an interesting experience...but it's just way too gremlin-friendly.

I ended up going with the second place I looked at.  It's a five bedroom (4 other grad students and 1 senior, 3 guys and 1 other girl) in a quiet residential area.  It's got a little porch and a claw foot tub and apparently they're going to be renovating the kitchen (and my all time favorite...wood paneling.  Sorry again.), so I'm pretty excited about the whole deal.  The landlord seems very engaged and responsive, and the property manager I met is the same.  I'll be signing a June lease but it doesn't look like I was gonna have all that much choice on that front if I wanted to live someplace decent.  All together the day went exactly as I hoped it would.  We even stopped for dinner at a great steak and seafood place in the Poconos where I had a friggin' amazing lobster roll, AND I managed to be in bed by 10:30.  Let's just hope all the other logistical fun goes as well as this did.

Ya know what's awful? The fact that I've barely even glanced at my Google Reader in about a month.  I'm still working more than is convenient (I'm trying to be honest here.  I like my me-time and lately I'm forced to hoard it by skipping things like catching up on current events) and trying to keep at least some of my attention focused on the present moment.  It's tough.  My mind has already left for Binghamton. I'll tell you what I HAVE managed to do, though, that manages to be both entertaining and potentially useful...

http://www.getbodysmart.com/ap/skeletalsystem/skeleton/menu/menu.html

I've been playing with virtual bones.  I'm taking a skeletal biology course in the fall and thought it'd be good to brush up, since my massage school curriculum 1. didn't pay much attention to bony landmarks that weren't major muscle attachments and 2. mostly flew out of my head when I graduated five years ago.  So far I'm done the tutorials and quizzes on the clavicle and scapula...I figured I'll take the quizzes cumulatively every time I visit the site, so that by the time the semester rolls around I'll have this stuff down cold.

I've also read nearly all of Tess Gerritsen's books at this point.  One week I managed to read three despite working full-time plus.  It felt really, really good to do that...brought me back to the days when I was perpetually in the corner wrapped up in one book or another. I justify my book gluttony based on the fact that the author is a doctor, and so most of the medicine/A&P related details are thus likely to actually be accurate...making the whole series one big educational endeavor.  Or something.

Today's goal- read everything folks in the know have to say about this gorilla genome business, then report back here.  Also find something for lunch, pronto. These dill-flavored lentil chips are awesome but they just won't do.

Just for laughs

http://sciencecareers.sciencemag.org/career_magazine/previous_issues/articles/2012_03_23/caredit.a1200033

I thought this article was great, but it makes me a little sad.  The natural world is so much fun.  There shouldn't be anything wrong with good science presented with context and interest.

Lately I've been completely overrun by day-to-day obligations.  My diet's gone to shit- though admittedly it wasn't fantastic to start- and I haven't had the mental energy to do any of the academic reading I'd been planning to do in preparation for school. I DID manage to fill out my paperwork for my federal loan, though, and to do it with only a minimum of hyperventilation.  Here's to small victories.  My mind is terribly scattered- lots of stuff needs my attention, and since a good chunk of my resources have already wandered off to upstate New York, I'm even more frazzled than ever.  This is all ok, mind you.  I'm still so relieved about starting school that I'll take whatever the next few months decide to throw at me.  I just hope that I can regain some semblance of balance soon, so that I can start being proactive again. And maybe get to the gym while I'm at it.

Pssst....check out this great blog

http://blogs.plos.org/speakeasyscience/

Sorry, as-of-yet-nonexistent readers.  I've been in a bit of a rut lately.  I haven't done much aside from work and watch reruns of Big Bang Theory on DVR. I'm trying to get my butt in gear, but to be honest it hasn't quite happened yet.  However, This morning I've managed to get a corned beef and cabbage dinner into the crockpot in time to cook it on LOW (for those of you who don't cook in crockpots, that's kind of a big deal for those of us who aren't super organized) so I feel like now might be a good time to start raising my standard of living.


I've got a few nifty links I've come across lately.  I'm sad that I didn't think to save a few from last week, but here's one of this morning's-


An international team has recently sequenced Otzi the Iceman's genome. I'm no paleogenomicist, but I still think that's really cool. I mean, The guy's been dead for over 5,300 years and yet we are fairly certain he had brown eyes and heart disease.

Let the Fun Begin!

I GOT INTO MY FIRST CHOICE SCHOOL!!

Exciting, no?

I've already secured my spot and sent my apologies to the other university. I'll be at Binghamton  this fall, working with an awesome and down-to-earth group of people I had the pleasure of meeting a few months ago. 

It's know I mentioned this in the last post, but I'm still amazed my how quickly I manage to vacillate between eager anticipation and utter dread when I think about moving.  It's not the studying or writing papers that gets to me...not for nothing, I've been doing that (on a lesser level, I KNOW) for years.  School I've got covered.  It's what I DO.  But moving to a city where I don't know anyone, and leaving my beautiful sweet dog behind to do it....that shit's terrifying when I think about it too much.  And I'm always thinking about it too much.
           I am trying to detach from the present and take a broader perspective, though, because I NEED to do this program.  I allowed Other Crap to take over once before (a story for another time, and one that requires bourbon), and I've been given a second chance.  I want to make the most of it and not have to fight myself every step of the way. Of course, it goes without saying (or should from now on) that even more importantly, I WANT to be there. More than anything.  Fascinating research, intelligent and curious colleagues, local dive bars where my baby sister isn't the bartender...I get so friggin' excited about it I wanna do cartwheels (but I don't, because I've never ever in my whole life been able to do a cartwheel).  And then the anxiety gremlin creeps up and tries to get a vise grip on my chest and I don't wanna go anyplace at all, because ohmygod something TERRIBLE could happen...

...because parking my ass on my mother's couch for the past two years has prevented so much of the world's tragedy.

I've let the little monster run my life for a really long time, and it's time for that to end.  Screw you, anxiety gremlin. Take a hike.


(That's my version of a pep talk.  Sorry if it gave anyone a headache.)

A Good Sign

           I found out the night before last that I've been accepted into the Anthro MA program at one of my schools.  I am still waiting to hear back from the School of Public health there, and from the other school where I applied.  Still, though...this is awesome news.  It means I am going SOMEWHERE in the fall.  It means I am moving forward. Most importantly for my approval-hungry little soul, it means that people who matter believe in me enough to want to mentor me.

                    On the other hand, this acceptance cements the idea that my life is gonna change soon in a pretty big way.  I'll be moving out of state to a place where I don't know anyone, and I'll most likely have to leave my dog with my mom and sister.  I don't handle change well, no matter how much I want it, and I am starting to feel the edge or terror brushing up against me. I am trying really hard to be proactive this time, though, and I suppose this blog is part of that. I can keep track of this whole process as it happens so that maybe my own feelings won't catch me my surprise...

The Importance of Paying Attention

              So this morning I realized something about myself that I seriously don't like.  I've been suspecting it for a while- years, even- but it's only now come into sharp focus...and just in the nick of time, really. I have this problem where I generally assume that I'm always right.  It's not, like, horribly out of control and obnoxious or any thing (the majority of the time, at least) but I'd be a fool to pretend it wasn't a part of my personality.  It's just that if I am bothering to speak on a topic it is usually because I believe that I genuinely have something to contribute.  The trouble comes in when that something is a tidbit that I misunderstood, or that I picked up from an unreliable source. I hope I am not fooling myself when I say that when I say stupid stuff it is usually a product of the latter- but good analytical skills to NOT cancel out intellectual laziness. If I am ever going to develop a voice worth trusting, I need to not only THINK before I open up my mouth, but also do the appropriate background research.  And if I haven't done those things to the appropriate degree, I ought to keep my mouth shut and start listening.  My pride took a hit today, but thankfully it was a small one.  Let's hope I can make use of the lesson to keep myself from bigger, more public spills in the future.

First Post!

          Anyone who has made their way over to this blog from my real life probably knows that while Live the Questions is brand-spankin'-new, my propensity for rambling endlessly via an internet journal is certainly not.  The thing is, though, that I really do want this to be a different sort of blogging experience.  I have finally figured out what it is I should be "doing with my life" (besides watching primetime dramas on DVR and eating chocolate pudding for breakfast) and I want this journal to reflect that new found sense of direction and certainty.  I spent a lot of years searching for it, after all.     
        For those who DON'T already know (and honestly, I hope that's most of you.  You'll probably be able to take me more seriously if we're just meeting now) I am currently waiting to hear back from two master's programs, one an MS in Medical Anthropology and the other an MA in the same with the opportunity for a dual-degree in Public Health. Ideally, I will get some good news within the next few weeks and I can get down to brass tacks- posting about all the fun Anthro and Psych and Biology articles I come across on the web, both from academic journals and other blogs.  The conversation going on right now regarding what makes us humans tick is amazingly fun and incredibly important- and I want more than anything to become a legitimate part of it. I hope you'll join me for the journey.

Oh!  BTW- I nabbed the blog's title from a quote by Ranier Maria Rilke that I thought captured the essence of my search for context and understanding in a way that transcended any particular discipline or endeavor. Here it is in its entirety:

…I would like to beg you…as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
--Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet