I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to truly embrace your whole self- to be fully present in your life, proactively making decisions and not apologizing all the time.  And these internal conversations are always make me feel kind of ambivalent, because on one hand I am getting SO MUCH better at that lately, but on the other hand...it's just taken so damn long.  And I've got so much further to go. I get sad when I think about the opportunities I wasted out of fear or (worse, and more frequently) the chronic assumption of my own inferiority. I didn't just suffer from imposter syndrome in grad school- honestly, it's been more like the running theme of my life.

I'm not saying that to rally up a bunch of ego stroking. I understand that I have accomplished some neat things in my life, and I understand equally the factors that have kept me from accomplishing other neat stuff. This insecurity just happens to be one of the latter. And anyway the good news is that the bottom line of this post is not my history, it's the fact that I'm starting to see a destructive internal dynamic for what it is and now I can do something about it.

So I'm speaking up in meetings at work.  I'm bringing new ideas to the table, even if I know they might bomb.  I'm going on dates and not wearing Spanx. This is a new and exciting chapter in my life.

It's freeing, really. I think I'm gonna like it.