Thinking this morning about how easily (comparatively, anyway) I am able to feel free to live my life when I am away from home. I saw a souvenir from Sky City out of the corner of my eye (the $5 wildlife travel mug that I used for my cardamom coffee every morning but was useless for actual travel because it didn't fit into any cup holders) and the disconnect between that girl and my current self was almost palpable.  It knocked the wind out of me for a second. At first I brushed it off as simple nostalgia- the way that everything is always more perfectly itself in the retelling-but then I realized that it's really the weight of my history that keeps me up at night worrying and playing what-if.  It's the ghosts of everyone I've loved who is not here anymore, and the immediate reminder that the ones who are left won't be here forever.  I won't be here forever. It's the way that standing in the kitchen I've known for 25 years makes me remember all of the things I thought I was going to do, but didn't.

I had always assumed that leaving home and starting my "real" life in a new place would make me stronger, would prove my courage.  I'm starting to understand now that staying home will be much harder.

Today is one of those days when my thoughts are flying around too quickly and chaotically for me to do anything constructive with them.  It's not the most pleasant feeling, because I am constantly aware of a sense of "wasting" time or ideas, but I am starting to realize that it's not something I am likely to ever get away from completely, nor is it something I can overcome through sheer force of will.  My natural inclination when it happens is to get into an argument with my mind, insisting that it slow down and make itself useful, but that usually just ends in a very unproductive internal shouting match.

So I guess for now I am just going to sit with this and remind myself that the time will come for whatever is stewing around in my brain.  Eventually, the individual strands will make themselves known and I will begin to be able to build them into something concrete and workable.  Good thing I am so good at being patient. 

Hey, remember me?  It's only been about three months since I last promised to start updating on a regular basis.

I've been running around like a nut pretty consistently since the last post- or, at least, it's felt that way.  The second half of the semester was pretty rough and I have to admit that, as had been the trend up til then, I didn't cope with it as well as I could have.  It all worked out, though.  I finished the semester with a 4.0 and I am reasonably certain that my advisor still thinks I am a worthwhile human being.

Right now I'm home in Jersey finishing out an internship with the Morris County Office of Health Management.  It's not exactly what I'd had in mind going into this whole internship deal, but then I really couldn't tell you what I *did* have in mind.  Regardless, I have learned quite a lot and I'm sure my experience here will color my decision making in terms of career prospects from here on out.

I'll be heading back to Bing August 22nd to meet the incoming crew at orientation.  I'm actually really looking forward to seeing everyone again and being back in my apartment. The pressure should let up significantly this year now that I won't be working as a graduate assistant. I'm looking forward to focusing on my studies and on professional development, and having the mental and physical energy left over to take care of myself.

Hope everyone's summer is going well.  Let me know what's new in the comments.

Paul Salopek has another updated online here. It's a bit long but worth a read.

Spring break has so far been like an extended Saturday, with half of my time spent halfheartedly attempting to get work done and the other half assiduously avoiding the very thought of responsibility.  My intentions have been really good, though.  You should see my to-do list.

So I'm in my office at 9:30 at night because I managed to send my boss an email without the required attachment for the second time in a week.  Since I'm already afraid that he is starting to think I'm incompetent, or on the verge of losing my mind, I know I wouldn't have been able to sleep until I fixed the situation (Does this mean I am, in fact, on the verge of losing my mind?).

I'm at that point in the semester where I am basically counting down the days until it's done. There are responsibilities coming at me from every angle, and just like in the fall I am maybe not coping as well as I could be. It's the same old story- dishes piling up in the sink, clothes getting tighter, phone called going unreturned- but I am trying to do something every day so I might eventually make my way through the to-do list in spite of myself.

It's crazy, since I'm so tense right now, but there's a part of me that can still take the long view and appreciate why I'm doing this.  This is new for me, and it's comforting...I'm also realizing, though, that I really may not be type-A enough to spend the rest of my life doing this. I admire folks who are, and I know I will probably miss the pace of grad-school life occasionally after it's over, but I will honestly be glad to be in a position where 5:00 means I can shut off my work-brain guilt free, at least most of the time.

(Now I'll just have to wait and see if that is just the stress talking.  I'll reassess the situation where I'm feeling more useful.)

There goes my amazing two-in-a-row weekend posting streak. I knew it was too good to be true. I had a good excuse, though, I swear.  I went home to hang out with my family because it was my birthday last Friday. We didn't do anything crazy- 29 is not exactly a landmark year- but I got to have dinner with my mom and sister, kiss my goddaughter (well, one of them) and her sister a whole bunch, and catch up on a ton of recorded TV.  I set up the DVR for like 10 shows back in December, because I'm resourceful like that.

The first week of my personal new year was spent, like the previous 3,  knee deep in grantwriting goodness. It turns out when you are asking the federal government for close to half a million dollars they can be quite persnickety about the details. My only major role was typing up the edits in each draft, and it still managed to be INSANE.  By some miracle of nature we got the monstrosity submitted yesterday afternoon, though, and I have once again resumed taking full breaths.  Now they just need to fund the proposal, and we'll be all set.

The girls took me out last night for a few beers- officially, it was a belated birthday celebration but honestly I think they are just happy I survived the grant. The place had half-price quesadillas and Magic Hat #9 in bottles, so clearly the stars are aligned in my favor. Tonight's adventure is a whiskey tasting party, and tomorrow's a brunch with some girlfriends. I think I'm starting to feel spring coming.

Weekend update time?  That'd be neat, right? 

         So I'm doing a bunch of reading for Human Biological Variation and Methods and with the combination I'm getting a crash course in the history and defining tenets of human biology and biomedical anthropology.  This is fantastic, because I'd never really been able to pin down exactly what defined the discipline as unique compared to related fields in a cogent and concise way. Even after the readings and conversations I suspect there ISN'T a short answer to the question of what the field is- it is very interconnected and nothing I've run across so far has been majorly enlightening per se, but I still feel like I am being initiated into a community of scholars with a historical tradition in which I can begin to place myself. Honestly, it's kind of how I felt when I first joined the Unitarian Universalist church*, with their "grand tradition of heresy" and monthly potlucks minus all the dogma. There's just something very important to the psyche about belonging and having a history, at least for me, and I have often felt that I was missing that important connection in terms of who I was choosing to be.  The communities defined for me from birth- Italian American, Jersey girl, cultural Catholic, family member- definitely go a long way toward sustaining me and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am all of those things, deep in my bones, and I always will be. But I've also always known that this wasn't the whole picture, and it has taken me a very long time to fill in the rest.  I am beyond grateful to finally be doing that.






*Where, incidentally, last week's sermon included a half-hour worth of charming stories about part-time Unitarian Charles Darwin and featured a quote of his that I later found in my biological variation textbook.  Small world and all that.

 "About 60,000 years ago, our ancestors took the first steps out of their prehistoric African “Eden” to begin exploring the earth. In early 2013, reporter Paul Salopek will follow in their footsteps during an epic on-foot journey that will take seven years."

Out of Eden Walk

^ I'm going to try to post a link here every time he updates, because this is fantastic and inspiring and an excellent reminder of why anthropology is the future I've chosen for myself, no matter what kind of work I end up doing.

     Spending a lazy Saturday cleaning and sorting though my mail (vitrual and physical). I don't think I have ever in my life appreciated weekends quite as much as I do now.  It's actually kind of nice.Since  I'm not really one who thrives in a stressful environment, it's good to be able to step back and realize that the chaos that I imagine my week to be is actually not as unmanageable as it seems while I am in the thick of it.

    I went to dinner and a movie with some friends last night, which was very nice- the AMC Theater in Vestal is phenomenally comfortable, with cushy reclining chairs, and the show itself (Silver Linings Playbook) was enjoyable enough that I stayed awake for the whole thing. I am thinking I should go to the movies more often.

    I've got a ton of reading for next week that hopefully I can put a good dent in today so I am thinking that with the exception of a quick run to CVS for milk and (absurdly expensive city-issue) garbage bags I'm gonna stay in and enjoy the quiet. Hope yo are enjoying the weekend as well!

The kinds of resolutions I don't usually make

I know a lot of folks think that new year's resolutions are a waste of time, but I have to admit that I am a big fan. I've always been a sucker for a clean slate...plus I get to make a list, which is one of my all time favorite hobbies.

I usually go with the usual practical standbys- lose weight, spend less money, read more books, get better grades...and while I am still trying to keep an eye on all of those things in 2013, I'm thinking it would feel really, really nice to throw in a few that might make me feel better while I do them, as opposed to feeling pressured under threat of failure.

So here they are.

In 2013, maybe I will...

..say no a little more often, and not feel guilty about it.  It's not that I never refuse a request for help, just that I often wait until I'm out of energy to do it.  And sometimes that means that I refuse to do something I otherwise would have been happy to do, because I've already spent my resources elsewhere.  In short, I want to be more judicious with my time and energy.

...remind myself that I am completely capable of being a productive team member.  I am constantly anxious over my responsibilities, primarily those related to work and research but also occasionally coursework and personal stuff, because I somehow feel that I am not good enough to meet these challenges.  Of course, I will not perform spectacularly at every turn- I am no better than anyone else.  But it turns out I'm not less able either.  And acting as though I am will only harm both my productivity and my psyche.

...cook awesome stuff as often as possible.  Ok, so this does not fit with the initial theme in the sense that it's decidedly specific and practical, but it IS intended to bring more joy and and contentment into my life. It keeps me in the present, and I need that so, so badly. I miss cooking and baking and feeling like I live in a real home. I actually did a reasonably good job of maintaining this balance last semester- maybe not all the time, but overall I managed better than I thought I would. It helped a lot, so I anticipate that putting even greater emphasis on it now could only help more.

In any case, I accept at this point in my life that I am an anxious person by nature (or by environment, but clearly that ship has sailed, so in my experience it doesn't do much good to overanalyze!) and I don't want that to define me.  Life has too much to offer.

Happy 2013 guys. 

pssst....I'm still here.  ;)